I Hate It, Let’s Watch It

121. Riverdale S7E18 - For A Better Tomorrow

As they say, it's a numbers game, and this week, Riverdale finally gave us something worth talking about. It took 18 episodes, but For A Better Tomorrow reminds us of exactly why we are still here watching this train wreck so many years later. Crazy plot twists, unfathomably complicated conspiracy schemes, and the glue that holds this whole town together -- PALLADIUM. It's all there, and we love to see it. If you're like us and have been missing that classic I-don't-know-what-the-fuck-is-going-on-but-I-love-it Riverdale feeling, you'll enjoy this nostalgic reminder of why we watch.
 
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120. Riverdale S7E17 - A Different Kind of Cat

Riverdale really be testing us with a Veronica-centric episode this close to the end. Not to mention Archie's apple-based seduction, the return of Vughead (barf), and our weekly reminder that Fangs needs to get famous in a hurry. Our only shining light here is an unexpected partnership between Betty and Cheryl with each one helping the other to embrace their sexuality. Enjoy our short and sweet recap which is surely a better use of your time than actually watching Season 7's slow death. Only three episodes to go!!!
 
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119. Riverdale S7E15&16 - Miss Teen Riverdale & Stag

It's a Dawn & Lisa Double Digest for this week's episode of Riverdale recapping! Hot button issues include the questionable selection of judges for a beauty pageant featuring teenage girls, Alice's wildly (if not consistently) unethical parenting strategies, a rogue musical number, and the unwelcome resurrection of Vughead. Join us as we continue to ignore anything remotely important or plot-worthy and instead focus on the insipid drivel of high school students because that's just where we're at these days.
 
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118. The Idol

We interrupt our regularly scheduled Riverdale recaps to bring you one of the most controversial new shows of 2023 -- HBO's The Idol. If there was an Oscar for Most Criminally Squandered Premise, this show would take the cake. Pieces of plot keep trying to shine through, but they are quickly extinguished by the Weeknd's rat tail and Lily-Rose Depp's nipples. Despite our best efforts, we couldn't explain this one but damn it, we spent almost two hours trying. If anyone can help us figure out why this happened, please get in touch via our social media so we can start sleeping through the night again.
 
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117. Riverdale S7E14 - Archie the Musical

Well, kids, it's finally here -- the LAST Riverdale musical episode we will ever have to endure, and let's just say...it met our low expectations. Basically, Kevin and Clay decided to write an entire original musical based on the fact that Archie is incapable of making decisions, and they're shocked when it doesn't go over well with anyone. Between the flawed premise, the half-assed attempt at an emotional side plot for Kevin, and bizarre out-of-left-field sexual tension with Veronica and Betty, this haphazard performance missed the mark once again, and we can confidently say that Riverdale should have never experimented in this genre in the first place.
 
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116. Riverdale S7E13 - The Crucible

It's commies, cameos, and comic books on this week's episode of Riverdale! Suddenly, our favorite small town is apparently CRAWLING with communist sympathizers, including guest star Hiram Lodge, who has been caught consorting with...Videl Mastro...yeah, we can't get over that one, either. And Clifford Blossom, the only real red scare that exists in Riverdale, continues his campaign against sexual deviants in the name of patriotism. And the war on comic books reaches a dramatic climax, but do we really care at this point?
 
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115. Riverdale S7E12 - After the Fall

We're back with more Riverdale, and Riverdale is back with more meaningless musical numbers crowbarred in where they don't belong and examples of extremely abusive parenting that should be prosecuted by a governing authority but are instead "resolved" with a stern lecture! But it's fine because we ALSO get...absolutely nowhere with the Milkman investigation. Plus, we get an answer to question we've all been asking: who has the biggest dick in Riverdale???
 
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114. Riverdale S7E11 - Halloween II

If Riverdale can time travel back into the 1950s, then we guess they're allowed to celebrate Halloween in June. There's a little something for everyone in this variety show including a tasteless zombie burlesque musical number, a mysterious late-night milk delivery, more horny Betty, and a stabby stab MURDER??
P.S. We apologize for the audio quality of this episode; we'd had one too many murder milkshakes to figure out how to fix a busted cable. But given what goes on in this show, can you really blame us for overindulging?
 
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